Breathing Words

I didn’t know him well. I couldn’t communicate well. He spoke Korean. I spoke English. But still, he took the time to explain with the flinging of his arms and smile on his face the period drama on television that told the history between the Chinese and the Koreans. What he taught me was that the Chinese were dicks… but so were the Koreans… and do you have any girlfriends to introduce to my son so that he can get married already?

He was a kind and generous man. When I needed to move my stuff out of storage to start senior year at NYU, he lent his van (and son, I suppose) without having even met me. He asked then if I knew any girls to hook D up with. Years later, I visited NY again, and he lent me his home, made his son treat me to dinner, gave me the best figs I’d ever eaten, and asked if I knew any girls to hook D up with. 

I wish I had known some girls… Well, there’s still time for D.

And I think Dad’s already found D’s dad and made friends and now they’re having a grand ‘ole time in Heaven.

I’m happy for Dad.

I’m sad for D, who’s going through exactly what I went through, and still in a totally different way. He’s the man of the house now and he’ll have to be strong, mostly because it’s what he expects of himself. I regret not being in New York for him, because he’s too stoic to call me on the phone and “bother me.” *sigh* Boys…

He won’t even read this, I know. And though I’m not close to his family in a way that I can give a proper eulogy or even cry for them, I felt compelled to honor his father in even this small way.

All my love and all my prayers to the Nam family.

I admit it, I wasn’t really smart enough to know that word without googling it…

thanatophobia: a fear of death

For some unexplicable reason today, I was struck with a sudden fear of dying. This occurred while I sat watching a Japanese movie with T about juvenile delinquents in rival gangs competing to take over their school for various personal reasons. Sounds worse than it is. There was actually a lot of heart and quite a bit of humor. Oh, it’s Crows Episode Zero.

Um, but I’m not here to discuss the film… It was simply during one of the brawl scenes that the seemingly unprovoked thought, “What’ll happen if I die in a car accident and I haven’t shown Mom how to pay the bills online?,” popped into my head. I really began to panic, thinking that she would have no idea how I organized all of our private information and business paperwork. I mean, they don’t even send a gas bill anymore! It’s all through e-mail!

It’s so strange. I rely on the computer for so many conveniences. But who’s going to go through it all when I die? To find out about me, they’d have to go through my files, check my e-mail, sort through my CD back-ups. It really disturbs me on an unbelievable level, but I don’t have a solution right now because it’s nearly 2AM and if I think too much on this I won’t be able to sleep at all tonight.

All I can hope for now is that God is looking out for me and He makes sure that I’m around long enough to take care of Mom and Sis so that they don’t have to panic in case something happens to me.

(I can’t even think about what would happen to T… seems like bad luck to think about that when we just got hitched…)

Is 30 too young to write up a will? Maybe I should work on an instruction booklet… Agh, I need to sleep.