Breathing Words

I admit it, I wasn’t really smart enough to know that word without googling it…

thanatophobia: a fear of death

For some unexplicable reason today, I was struck with a sudden fear of dying. This occurred while I sat watching a Japanese movie with T about juvenile delinquents in rival gangs competing to take over their school for various personal reasons. Sounds worse than it is. There was actually a lot of heart and quite a bit of humor. Oh, it’s Crows Episode Zero.

Um, but I’m not here to discuss the film… It was simply during one of the brawl scenes that the seemingly unprovoked thought, “What’ll happen if I die in a car accident and I haven’t shown Mom how to pay the bills online?,” popped into my head. I really began to panic, thinking that she would have no idea how I organized all of our private information and business paperwork. I mean, they don’t even send a gas bill anymore! It’s all through e-mail!

It’s so strange. I rely on the computer for so many conveniences. But who’s going to go through it all when I die? To find out about me, they’d have to go through my files, check my e-mail, sort through my CD back-ups. It really disturbs me on an unbelievable level, but I don’t have a solution right now because it’s nearly 2AM and if I think too much on this I won’t be able to sleep at all tonight.

All I can hope for now is that God is looking out for me and He makes sure that I’m around long enough to take care of Mom and Sis so that they don’t have to panic in case something happens to me.

(I can’t even think about what would happen to T… seems like bad luck to think about that when we just got hitched…)

Is 30 too young to write up a will? Maybe I should work on an instruction booklet… Agh, I need to sleep.