Dear Bank
I don’t think it’s reasonable for you to sell a house that has a gutted kitchen and bathroom, walls that need to be re-painted, and carpets that need to be replaced for the same value as if it was a house that was actually in decent condition. And to do it while demanding that I prove to you that I’m the perfect buyer before deigning to speak to you. I understand you’re cautious, but you can be nice too.
You can’t tell me the house is worth it just because the prior owner bought it at double the value (the same owner that got foreclosed on and left you with a broken house and no money) and try to convince me that I’m getting a great steal of a price. That’s almost like when 99 Ranch Market changed the price of their 4-pack pork buns from $3.99 to $6.99 and then tacked on a Buy One Get One Free sign, which would be fine if you can eat that many pork buns, but what about us customers who only want one pack because we can barely finish it before it goes bad?
I mean, I understand, Bank. I know you’re suffering a loss. But tough. You let yourself get duped. Do I loan out $5 to a bum friend that will never pay me back? No. So why did you loan out $500,000 to the buyer who had no income? You’re not a victim. They’re not victims. Everyone involved helped mess it up, and I’m admittedly here with my cash to reap the benefits.
I am your perfect buyer, even if you don’t believe it yet. I need a home, but I don’t need a loan from you. I have a great FICO, because I didn’t buy stupid and I actually pay things off. I am here to replenish your vaults.
So I’m waiting for you to look up from your numbers and actually give me a price that’s worth the value of the property. Give me a house I can move into right away and stop trying to market decimated homes as “fixers.” Stop comparing the price now with the price then, because you and I both know that the price then was bogus.
But Bank, even as I write this, I know you’re not listening to me. You’re scoffing at me, treating me as if I don’t understand anything about finances or a good buy. You underestimate me and insult me as if I were the one who left you holding the bag. Bank, when you stop punishing your new buyers for your old buyers’ (and your) mistakes, you’ll be amazed at how much and how fast you can recover.
Looking forward until the day we do business,
J
